Ariana Grande opened up about her experience with lip fillers and Botox and how she decided to stop using them in 2018. In a new video for Vogue’s Beauty Secrets series, Ari got emotional while sharing her beauty journey and how she used to feel like she was “hiding” behind makeup and injectables.

“I want to be honest with you guys, as a beauty lover, I’ve done a lot of lip filler over the years and Botox,” she said while applying lip liner. “I stopped in 2018, because I just felt like — it was too much. I just felt like I wasn’t being myself, you know?”

The singer and r.e.m. beauty founder then wiped away a tear and said that she “didn’t mean to get emotional.” She explained that in the past, beauty was “about escaping for me.”

“I used to use makeup as a mask or as something to hide behind,” she said. “More hair, more eyeliner, more everything … and that can be so beautiful sometimes and I still love it.”

The singer said that being exposed to the public eye at such a young age affected her self-image and her perception of beauty because people “would comment on your appearance. “It’s hard to filter out what’s worth listening to or not, but when you’re 17, you don’t have that skill yet,” she said.

Now, the singer has learned to love her natural beauty and change her attitude towards makeup and glam. “As I grow older, I don’t like that [hiding] being the reason behind it anymore,” she said. “I see it as self expression now and highlighting what is here. Our relationships to beauty are so personal, like we’re here talking about beauty secrets. Isn’t the secret that we all just want to feel our best and be loved?”